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I recently came back from a run. I’m amazed to admit that statement. It seems it was likely many years since the previous time. However I recently discovered that my tests indicate somewhat raised cholesterol, and the recommendation was to engage in vigorous activity regularly.

For the first time ever in my existence that my motivation to be active has been my health status. In my youth, I jogged because I wanted to lose weight. I’ve also run to alleviate feelings of anxiety – I was just running away from the worry, without confronting it. At other times, I exercised because I aimed to get better in running. This was what it meant to me at that time to create an improved existence.

Exercising with new motivation currently sparked reflection about the ways I’ve interacted with my physical self throughout my life and the way it’s evolving as I move from youth to midlife. I don’t think I’ve honored my own body, not deep down. I’ve appreciated it just for its roles and the purposes it provided: seeking approval; escaping emotions; running a faster five kilometers. Until today, I failed to grasp that I am my body, it is my existence, instead of an instrument for achievements.

A lot has been discussed over the centuries about the division involving physical and mental aspects – which it’s reassuring to know, I won’t summarize now. What I’ve found most compelling is Freud’s understanding that consciousness and physique are innately connected right from the start, because bodily growth requires psychological development and the reverse is true. A baby’s corporeal feelings – for example the physical sensation of hunger – propel the brain to cultivate the skill to perceive hunger as a feeling that may be satisfied by nourishment; and the emotional comfort and contentment regularly delivered by meal after meal feeds the young mind similar to the food sustains them bodily. Similarly psychological experiences – such as the wish to get up and reach for something, and the determination to attempt repeatedly – are the reason and method the body develops power. Starting at birth, mind and body are intertwined in mutual development as integrated as DNA strands.

Yet It’s become clear, in treatment with my analyst, that my consciousness and physique may exist in a different kind of relationship – a more separated and somewhat abusive. My psyche may employ my body to hold and manifest things that my mind considers unacceptable or unbearable. During therapy we’ve become aware that exist certain emotions that I worry I cannot bear; rather than experiencing them psychologically, I unintentionally force them into my body, where they remain as corporeal issues.

I often had this as indigestion – which had nothing to do with my diet, but was a kind of physical reflux of the harsher emotions I failed to handle in my mind. This wasn’t an intentional act, but after it was introduced into my consciousness by my analyst, and my anxiety and vulnerability and anger and alarm could be felt and expressed verbally in place of transformed into bodily feelings, it vanished. It’s uncommon for me from indigestion today.

The toughest period I had this terrible acid reflux, I was unable to sleep for many nights straight. It seemed I was forfeiting my mind. I visited my doctor, who arranged all sorts of scans and tests, but there was nothing physically wrong. The situation was another doctor who informed me that the cause may be mental. My therapist did not disagree. I was surprised, but I also knew it to be true.

If an individual is suffering a corporeal problem, it can be upsetting upon hearing that it could have a mental root. They might feel like disrespect, being told that their symptom isn’t real. Naturally that does happen – people can have their symptoms discounted or wrongly assessed. Yet occasionally it could be that the bodily signs are genuine – certainly – and the source is emotional, the unconscious utilizing the body to express certain suffering or anger or whatever emotion awareness is unable to bear. Occasionally, it’s easy to think our experience matters solely only through expression in physical form. We continually disrespect our mental states as individuals, as a society and within our culture; for what reason can we allow the terrible reduction of psychological therapies through health services?

My experiences have taught me that a superior lifestyle is unattainable when we are stuck unawares in patterns of interaction, internally and socially, that originate in disregard, use and dealings. Such patterns are often easier to recognize “externally” in wider society. It’s likely harder to think about where they come from, and to recognise these shapes inside us and among loved ones, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

But it’s valuable to continue. When I put my jogging shoes again after such a long decade, heading out not for bodily change, or to eliminate a feeling, or to improve a personal best, {it